| Hello, I'm good for nothing, will you love me just the same? |
[24 May 2008|04:29pm] |
I considered not doing this at all for a while. Since that seemed more convenient and it'd be a while before someone noticed, right? But I guess there are a lot of things to be said before I forget. So much has changed that I never really expected and for the longest time, I never expected anything. Maybe I did, but I never expected this.
Tour started out in a van, tour started out with barely enough food to eat. You look back and realize that was the best tour of your life. There wasn't stupid politics, there wasn't the fear, the rules, anything. You were just out there to have fun and hang out with your friends. The fans heard you and loved you for your music. I know it's still like that in a lot of ways. We've got more money, we have a bus, and I've still got my friends. There are still the fans that come for the music. It's still the good, just looking back, I realize what the best was. Sometimes I almost dread going on tour. I miss my home and I miss my dogs even if I take them with me half the time. I miss my family, I miss my bed. I miss sleeping in with my fiance. At the same time, I can't wait to get out there and play. Feel the electricity of the crowd, meet up with fans and see their excitement, see all those new places, get out of the house. I'm such a hermit when I'm home.
Everything is so different now. Before I bought the Casa, I lived with my dad and we'd spend the morning playing our guitars if the both of us weren't busy after Mack went to school. In the afternoon I'd drive down to Matt's for practice. Maybe we'd go bar hopping that night, or spend the night at the beach. If I couldn't sleep when I got home, I'd write or try to write. Sometimes I'd practice my riffs and solos. It was just so simple. If I wasn't with the guys, I was with my girl. We fought, everyone fought. Cept Dad and Suzy. That was different. But everything was pretty much okay. When things went sour I called Zack or Jim, someone, we'd go drinking or walking and by the next day I was alright again. My room at my dad's was simple. White walls and posters. Now I live at the fucking Casa. The place is fucking huge. Neutral colors with awards on the wall. My morning is spent working on my clothing line and setting shit up for my record label. There's still so much work to do on that. Trying to plan the wedding, make arrangements for everything. Trying to keep up with the house, making sure bills are paid. There's taking care of the dogs, and spending time with Zack, even if he's usually passed out. That's just the morning. Most of my afternoon is devoted to Zack. It feels like I'm always trying to catch up. That one last thing I need to get done.
And I need a bigger coffee cup.
I'm getting fucking married. I'm so scared. I know I want it. I know I do above all else but I'm still so scared. He can tell me I'm perfect all he wants but when did I ever deserve an angel like him? And I know in an instant I can lose everything because I did. I know he'll come back, and even if he doesn't, we'll still be friends. I think that scares me the most, that I really can lose him.. completely. Because I don't.. I don't understand him. I think that's why I'm so in love with him. Zacky will always be a mystery to me. There will always be some side to him that I don't know, some way for him to constantly surprise me. The fight and chase that makes dating so fun will always be there. That's really the best part about dating is finding someone and wining them, getting to know them. Things will always be like that with Zacky. Though, most of the time, I feel like I've only got him be a hair thin tie. Most of that's probably in my head. I can see people who are so in love with him or think they are and I know exactly why. He's so fucking gorgeous. It doesn't even seem like he tries sometimes, and even when he doesn't. Even when he's passed out on my bed from a night of drinking. And when he wakes up, his hair all mused and stiff from day old gel, green eyes just barely open. And he's the guy that sticks around. He didn't even have to tell me for me to know that even if everything between us fell apart, the second I needed that kid, he'd be right there for me. I'd do anything for him. It's so hard to explain what he is to me. He's my bandmate, and not just my bandmate, we play the same instrument so we have together and have a feel for what the other's doing. Not that you don't with the rest of the band, it just feels different. Even with other people. Like when I played with my dad, you just have this deeper connection it feels. But Zacky's my bandmate, my best friend, my best fucking friend. The best fucking friend anyone could have. He's loyal and faithful, always always there for you when you need him. He's there for me even though he has to beat just about anything into my head. How he's stuck with me this long, I have no idea. He stuck right with me when I quit drinking and I know that had to be hard because I'm not nice when I don't feel good. Even right now and all I've got is this fucking cold. Yeah, he gets mad and frustrated and leaves but he always comes back. It's nice to know he comes back. Always comes back. More than a friend, he's my lover, my fucking fiance. I can't say enough about how much I love him. How much I want to marry him and call him mine forever. How much I want it to be known just what he's done for me. Little things I don't even notice sometimes, or at least until much later, looking back. How he puts up with my shit and still wants to fall asleep with me. Even stop what he's doing to sleep with me. I know he's not perfect, but he's my angel. He's still saved me so many times. I'm gonna make it up to him one day, even if that takes everyday of the rest of my life. Because that's what I want. I want to see him smile, and if you've ever seen him smile, you know what I mean. If you've ever seen someone you love smile. Then you know. You know the way it lights up their eyes and that it's real. That what you said, what you did, affected them. It's like for those few minutes, or whatever, everything in the fucking world is great. It's like when his hands is in mine, those pale fingers against my tanner skin. The perfect fit. The perfect contrast. We'll never agree on everything and we'll always argue. But I like it that way. I like knowing he'll stand up to me, and he's not afraid to say what he needs to. That no matter what, he will remain my Zachary James.
I don't even know much this is making sense, and I really don't care. I'm doped up on allergy medicine and it's making me loopy.
There's a lot more I need to say, about everyone else. My friends who are so good to me, and don't even mind when I can't shut up about Zacky. You should know who you are, so I won't name names. I'll forget someone if I do and I'm not up for that or forget something I need to mention. Just know you all mean so much to me. I know I've been holed up in my house for a long time now but just let me know when you're free so we can hang out before I head off to Greece. I miss you guys.
I think I'm going to end my rambling here because I'm out of coffee again and the dogs are barking at something.
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